Creative Project (ICEWS, Essentials Blue Fall 08)

“For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen’s University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt“

Below are links to the final creative project for the Essentials Blue Course Fall 2008. The lyrics have been posted previously in a different post and now the music accompanies it. The pdf contains a chord chart and an explanation.

The pdf:

god-of-all-comfort

The Mp3:

http://harvestvineyard.ca/GodOfAllComfort.mp3

This song has been already used at two funerals and the memorial for our daughter. It has been a gift from God to me during a very difficult time and it has been the song of my heart since. Hopefully, it will be useful to others!

New Earth: Final Destination (ICEWS, Essentials Blue Fall 08)

“For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen’s University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt

“…religion in the western  world has been less and less about the renewal of creation and more and more about escaping from this wicked world and going to a better place, called ‘heaven’ – going there ultimately when we die, but going there by anticipation in the present through prayer and meditation.” (1)

I believe this is an accurate estimation of the western world by Wright.  I think the point he is trying to make is one of accurately thinking about heaven and the new earth.

Many Christians believe that the ultimate conclusion to this life is heaven. We talk about the golden streets of heaven, the place where there will be no more tears and no more pain, where we will be made perfect but it ends there. We don’t go further and talk about the new earth that God has promised to re-make. Maybe we don’t believe in that part!

Wright asserts that heaven isn’t the final destination.

Heaven is important, but it’s not the end of the world; God will make new heavens and new earth, and give us new bodies to live and work and take delight in his new creation. And the ‘good news’ of the Christian gospel is that this new world, this new creation, has already  begun: it began when Jesus of Nazareth rose from the dead on Easter morning, having faced and beaten the double enemy, sin and death, that has corrupted and defaced God’s lovely creation. (2)

I don’t believe that this understanding of the new creation having already begun is a common understanding. Yes, we believe that WE have become new creations in Christ but I don’t think we look at our world being in the process of new creation. I think we think it is going to happen later and that it is going to be a totally new and different earth.

Peter Davids’ believes that the renewal of the earth will be a collaboration of humans working with God to bring restoration.

…Our King will realize his purposes for this world. He has not given up on his creation. He will resurrect us to live under his leadership on this very planet. The renewal of this world will likely be like the apparent plan for Eden: human beings working under the direction of the Creator to bring to the world the good order that he intends. Thus life now is a rehearsal for our eventual life. Any life in heaven (should we die before he comes) is a temporary way station where we await the resurrection.(3)

Again, heaven isn’t the goal, the new earth is. New creation has already begun and will continue. As we think accurately about heaven and earth “This vision for the future is the hope that should drive our lifestyles.” (4)

(As important as it is to think correctly about a future in heaven and on the new earth, we can be assured that God, who is good has something wonderful in mind.)

1. Tom Wright. The Road to New Creation ( Inside Worship Master All, p. 316)
2. Ibid. p. 318
3.Peter Davids. Voices on the Resurrection, (Inside Worship Master All, p. 313)
4. Ibid. p. 313

Remembering Serene

This is the script I used to read for the Memorial for Serene Immanence/Emmanuelle Christina  our daughter who died in my womb in June.  I said some things outside the script but rarely. This post is to include people who couldn’t make it to the day but want to honour our daughter’s memory too!

“Welcome and thank you to everyone for coming to honour our daughter and our family. The reason for this ceremony is mostly for me to be able to express what she meant to me and to help me move further in the healing process of mourning. This is my way of dealing with what has happened. Scott and I are different people who express ourselves differently and so, I will do the sharing for this time and he’s here to support me.

I wanted to commemorate Serene’s life today as an expression of worship to our Creator-Restorer God and so I want to dedicate this time to God in three persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit-as a testament to His creation, faithfulness and goodness and to Serene Immanence Christina Tilley: our second beloved daughter.

Today, I would have been almost 9 months pregnant as Serene was due to come into this world on or about December 6.

I dedicate this day in part to Serene as a memorial to her short life on earth. I celebrate that God gave her to us and that she was a precious human being, created in His image to have the potential to live and fulfil her destiny in Him on this earth.

I am grieved and overwhelmed by sadness at the fact that she didn’t get to see the light of day on this earth-that we didn’t get to know her as daughter, sister, granddaughter, god-daughter, niece, friend, wife, mother, aunt, cousin, grandmother and whatever vocation God may have had her explore.

These dreams have died with her for now….

Serene was conceived in March of this year and lived 17-18 weeks when she died suddenly of unknown causes at the mid-end of June. On Thursday, July 10th, while at a regular mid-wife appointment, I found out that Serene had died when they couldn’t find a heartbeat.

I was immediately sent to get an ultra-sound where it was confirmed that she had died 2 weeks prior. We then met with our mid-wife and she told us that Serene needed to be removed from me or I could develop an infection that could lead to death.

During this time, I felt shock and disbelief-but I still couldn’t give up and strongly believed that God could bring her back to life…that He could resurrect her. I decided to call my friends to pray because I wanted to take action and wanted to try this last measure. So, friends gathered and many prayed. Many scriptures were encouraging to me, especially the story of Lazarus who was one of Jesus’ friends who was raised from the dead after 4 days in the tomb.

After praying, I decided that I wanted to have another ultra sound to see what the answer was to our prayers. So, two days after the discovery I ended up going to the hospital to the emergency section and hadn’t developed an infection which would have indicated a problem. Judy and Christine came with Scott and I to support us in prayer.

After being seen, we found out that we couldn’t get an ultrasound at that time of day and weren’t able to get one unless it was considered an emergency. So, I had to wait a few more days and then I saw an Obstetrician. Before seeing him, he permitted me to get another ultra-sound which is what I wanted.  One of my friends sent me a testimony of babies being resurrected from the dead within the womb which would have been my case. I had great hope but also felt very vulnerable.

But just like in the story in the Bible where four young men are thrown into a fiery furnace because they wouldn’t worship the King by bowing down to his idol and told the King that they wouldn’t worship the idol even if they had to die, that their God could save them. They declared that even if their God didn’t save them that they still wouldn’t worship this King or bow down. I felt a similar sense in the way that I believed that God could resurrect Serene from the dead but if he decided not to that I would still worship Him.

So, when I got the second ultrasound it was confirmed a second time that Serene was dead. I had resolved that I wouldn’t go any further than that trusting that God would be clear with me if there was something else he wanted to do. And of course, I wonder sometimes if I was listening…but I have to move on…and hopefully learn something from all of this.

So, it was a week after I had found out that Serene had died that I had to deliver Serene at Cambridge Hospital. Scott and Christine supported me through this time. My original mid-wife said that she couldn’t help me anymore because my baby was dead. She probably didn’t realize that I had to deliver the baby and not get a dnc where the baby is surgically removed.

I felt kind of ditched by the medical professionals in some senses. I felt rejected and shame at times because my baby wasn’t alive anymore and their processes were more about life than about helping me through death. I felt like they didn’t see Serene as a person, more as a clinical miscarriage than a baby dying. The nurses were very helpful and sympathetic and the hospital had a social worker that really understood this process and gave us some resources like this memory box to help us grieve.

I eventually birthed Serene at 8:15 pm. It was a long day, starting at 9 am and it was painful as in childbirth when I had delivered Ava .but I was determined to offer this process up to God as my worship. The nurses really pushed the pain meds but I didn’t want them.

While Christine was there, she prayed for me and encouraged me greatly in God. My deep gratitude goes to her for her support. Scott did an excellent job being there for my needs during this day as well feeding me and just staying with me. I am thankful that his work allowed for time off and he even got a raise during this time. Good news and proof that God was taking care of us as always, and acting as our Provider.

Through this process, I could feel the strength of the prayers in the form of a peace that I can’t explain except it having to be from God, the “peace that passes all understanding” talked about in the book of Phillipians. I just want to thank all of those people who prayed for me and stood with me and believed for a resurrection. I know that this has been disappointing for you as well. I know that you laboured in prayer and I value your time and energy and your faith. Thank you so much.

I just knew that I had to keep my eyes, keep my faith in God in the moment and from that point of view, I wrote this song called “God of All Comfort.” Before this event happened, I was thinking about the phrase: “God of all Comfort” and the fact that the word “all” is in it, that we can run to find comfort in all sorts of things but we will only be truly satisfied and comforted in him because he is the God of ALL comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3 says “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,” So, I knew that I had to go to Him for comfort. In the midst of this waiting I also had this revelation that if I look to the past and what I could have done to make this happen or all the things I could have done to stop it or if I looked to the future and imagined if she lived or died and how I would respond…just made me feel agony and unrest.

So, I tried to stay positive, declaring scriptures that I felt hope from and I tried to place my trust in his unfailing love. This is the song that I wrote in the midst of waiting to hear the results of the ultra-sound and a song that I sang over and over again to make it through this very difficult time.

Play song…

I thank my friend Jeff for helping me to record this song. I really see this song being a gift from God for me because it is a keepsake from this time and something that has helped me to keep coming back to him and remembering his unfailing love and grace. It has been used in a few other contexts already and if God wants to, I am pleased that something good to come out of this situation in using this song.

This song is also a result of seeing a picture of the Trinity, Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit surrounding Serene…holding her in the midst of their presence. I’m going to paint or make a design of this to put in our house. I wanted to do it for today but I didn’t have enough time.

I don’t understand why God answered our prayers this way because obviously I think resurrecting someone from the dead would give him great glory but I choose to believe that He knows why and maybe someday I will find out why. I’m trusting that He will be glorified in this situation and that something good will come out of it.

Thanks to Nancy for lending me some books but especially the one called “Nine Days in Heaven” which is a true story where this girl is in bed for 9 days and the doctors can’t figure out what is wrong with her but she awoke later to describe her journey to heaven and hell and what she saw. It was a great book for me to read because she talks about one part in Heaven where the infant spirits go and how they are being taken care of and restored and maturing and learning about the sacrifice that Christ made for us all to be reconciled with Him.

This fits in with my belief about heaven. It gives me great peace and hope, knowing that I will see Serene again..  I have great comfort knowing that Serene is with God being taken care of by angels.  I am looking forward to the day when we will embrace and I hope that she will be proud of me as her mother. I wonder if somehow she might even be able to see what is going on today. Whatever the case, I’m looking forward to the new creation that God is going to make of heaven and also the earth and our life together on the new earth. Things are going to be made right. There will be justice.

So, as you can imagine, and for some of you can relate very sympathetically having gone through losing your babies too, that this has been and continues to be a difficult journey. I want to acknowledge your loss as well. I didn’t realize that so many women have had their babies die too. It’s not something that we bring up in conversation and people who haven’t had stuff like this happen to them don’t want to hurt them by bringing it up.  I think in general, we all want to avoid pain…having to go through it and acknowledging others’ pain because we don’t know how to.

But processing my grief during this time has given me the right to talk about it, at least that’s the way I see it. I hope that from this experience that I will become more compassionate and more mindful of others’ suffering in general. That I will be sensitive to respond in a way that would show love.

Life goes on for everyone but it is hard for those who are grieving, who have lost someone. Sometimes, I have wanted to say “Stop! Someone who I love isn’t part of this world anymore! Someone special is gone.” It reminds me that life is precious, that on this earth there will be pain. Jesus said that there would be trouble but he didn’t say that we would be immune to it.

33″I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Jesus was talking about his death and resurrection and the future persecution that his disciples were going to experience. He said that he had overcome the world. A good friend has reminded me that Jesus didn’t promise that we wouldn’t suffer but that God would be with us through it. I think that is why He is called Emmanuel “God with us.”

He came into this world as a human, laying aside his rights as God and came to suffer and to be with us but thankfully he triumphed over death and the sin that has been a problem for us and he rose from the dead. So, that’s why I will never stop believing in the resurrection. Christ is the resurrection and all of us will be resurrected someday and I pray that we would all have a revelation of the future that we have with him because of what he has done.

To conclude these thoughts…I want to thank my family specifically:

To all our family, who grieve our loss together with us…

To Grandma Carol, Grandpa Ed and Aunt Michelle for watching Ava while I birthed Serene.
To Auntie Mel who came over and supported me afterward and helped me at my house. To Uncle Nathan for his kind nature and caring heart.
To My Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa Leis who prayed for me and helped me afterward.
To Uncle Trevor and Aunt Erin for your words of encouragement and your dedicated support.

To our friends and family in God who brought food and flowers, wrote cards and emails, thank you. Words are meaningful to me. Thanks to Kate and Rob for the thoughtful gift. To the whole pastoral staff here at the Vineyard who called us and prayed for us.

For all my friends who have listened to me and counseled me who have gone through similar experiences. Your advice and words were invaluable to me and I expect the conversation will continue. I see our children playing together in heaven and that comforts me that Serene will have some friends. Also, that she has some family for company there as well in my grandparents and who God only knows who else!

For all of the pray-ers, your prayers kept me sane in God and I totally valued those and your faith and energy that you gave. All of these gifts and acts were precious worship to God and I know that He is very proud of you for that.

.I just want to thank you again for coming today. Today has been something I have had to do as a “declarative act”…I wanted to stand up and declare that I believe that Serene was a human being, that she continues to exist in paradise, that God is good and loving and that there will be a good ending to this story potentially for all of our lives, that we might all meet her someday, that I will continue to remember her as part of our family and that I still believe that God can do miracles like raise people from the dead.

To end off this portion.. Originally, my friend Laurel was going to dance to the song that I had written but she felt like God wanted her to show us what Serene is like through a dance and I thought that would be cool. So, here she is and she can explain that idea in her own words.  I really value creative expression such as dance and music amongst other creative acts because we are acting out what God put in us, we are being creative like him, our creator…

Thank you for that beautiful worship expression, Laurel.

I had originally wanted to plant some bulbs on the property but have decided to do it on my own property as the squirrels here like to eat tulips and such. I didn’t want the symbol I had to remind me of resurrection life to be stolen by them! So, I’ll put them in my own garden. Thanks to all who brought out a spade any way!

Thanks again for taking your valuable time to honour our family and Serene.”

Just like Jesus (ICEWS, eb fall 08)

“For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen’s University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt“

This week we discussed what it means to be truly human. It was both inspiring and daunting. Inspiring in the lengths that God has gone to restore our identity as His ImageBearers, sub-creators, vice-regents, and salvific storytellers (1). Daunting in the way that in this present reality we see more of the brokenness of creation and humanity, especially just watching the news.

One of my class mates, Nathan Rousu, said that “To be fully human is to be like Jesus.” He termed it as the typical “Sunday School answer.” I can relate to that. There is this understanding that Jesus is both fully human and fully God. I can remember this idea by rote but do I really comprehend its meaning?

Phillipians 2:5-8 (NIV) says:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant,  being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!

Jesus laid aside his rights as God when he became human. Although in nature he was fully God, He was equally human. He became human, he was not originally that nature.

This seems to be a no-brainer but when one realizes that Jesus was human and that’s why He depended on His Father in Heaven to do the works of His Kingdom, that He did not use His own power as God, it gives us hope that we can actually be fully human in the way we were intended to be from the origin of our creation and do the works Jesus did and greater (Jn 14:12)!

My tension between the ideal of being fully human (and perhaps being “perfect”) and the daunting reality of the effects of sin on all of creation, probably stems from inner striving. I see Jesus, the perfect human and I see me, the “broken one” longing to be fully human, that ImageBearer (2) who accurately reflects the wondrous nature of God. I see everything that I fail at and feel “sub-human” at times.

That sub-human feeling could possibly be the effect of “shrinking” that Wright describes when one gives the “gaze of love and gratitude” of worship that belongs to God to anyone or anything else. They shrink as a human being instead of growing and discovering what it means to be fully alive. (3)

By pitying myself, I actually participate in idolatry and that “shrinking” effect(4). Whereas when I put my focus on God, I get a revelation of who He is and see myself more accurately as being made in His image.

I am reminded again that it is only the Holy Spirit coming through me, who makes me truly like Christ and thereby truly human. I am made in His image to look at Him and reflect His glory, to rely on the Holy Spirit to prompt me in the moment to do what He asks, to be and do just like Jesus.

1. Wilt, Dan. Essential Worship Theology: Humans as SubCreators, ImageBearers, Community Builders, and Salvific Storytellers, Video.

2. Ibid.

3. Wright, N.T. Simply Christian. p. 148.

4. Ibid.

Club Transfer

Since Serene died I can’t help but notice all of the baby bumps I see in friends and women in general. I think I find it the most difficult when I read of women who have the exact same due date as I did. In fact, two old friends of mine do and it was a reconnection point.

It is especially hard when some of the baby bumps belong to my close friends. I would compare myself to their progress and due dates and then count down to mine.

Now -  I just feel left of this great club of mommies bringing precious little people into the world.

Now – I’m part of a club of women whose babies died before they got to experience life “on the outside.”

What’s going on?

I haven’t written in a while. We went away on a trip out to eastern Canada including Newfoundland in August. It was wonderful to get away from the familiar surroundings of home to leave some of the tragedy behind.

Whenever I post on this blog I feel like I am journaling privately even though there is a possibility for others to read it. It is hard to imagine that many people do and you certainly won’t find me divulging all of my deepest and darkest secrets on here!  It is very cathartic, though.

So, the update from my last post is that our daughter, Serene, who we were expecting to arrive on December 6th or so died at about 17-18 weeks in utero. I found out during week 19 on July 10th. The second ultra sound that we asked for resulted in no change from the first which showed “fetal demise.” What a cold term. I don’t even like calling this event a miscarriage because it just doesn’t give it enough justice. My baby died. That is a plain fact. She is a human being, created by God, deserving honour because she is his creation made in his image.

I’m not going to go into the details right now, however, we are planning a memorial for Serene in November on the 2nd. I may post what I am going to say for friends who can’t make it out that day.

I may use this website to post my thoughts and feelings surrounding this event to help bring closure or an outlet for me to vent.

God of All Comfort, Comfort Me

This is a song I wrote EARLY this morning in dedication to our little babe.

God of All Comfort, Comfort Me

Blessed Trinity, hold me

Cradle me in Your arms, hold me

Blessed Trinity, carry me

In Your faithful embrace, carry me

In Your presence is life, healing at all sides

In Your unity, strength – strength to abide

Chorus:

Your unfailing love, oh – surrounds me

Your grace for this moment is what I need

Yahweh, my Refuge, it’s peace I seek

God of All Comfort, comfort me

Verse Two:

Blessed Trinity, shelter me

Under Your wings, shelter me

Blessed Trinity, hide me

In Your sanctuary, hide me

In Your presence is life, healing at all sides

In Your unity strength – strength to abide

Bridge/Vamp:

Father, I don’t understand

Jesus, this life is in Your hands

Holy Spirit, Breathe on me again

Three-in-One take me by the hand, hold my hand

Lazarus: Raised to Life from Death

The passage John 11:1-44 brings me hope in my situation and to others besides myself. All of the characters involved in this story have impacted me in different ways. (I’m taking my references from the New Living Translation).

I’ve looked at Jesus’ response to each of the characters in the story. First, he told his disciples after hearing that “the one you love is very sick” (v. 3) that “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it is for the glory of God. I, the Son of God, will receive glory from this” (v.4). Then, he chose to stay where he was rather than quickly reacting and going to Lazarus.

Two days later, Jesus says that Lazarus has fallen asleep and that he will go and wake him up (v.11). I find the response of the disciples comical. They don’t get it. They reply tell Jesus that if Lazarus is sleeping then he is getting better. But Jesus tells them plainly that Lazarus is actually dead. “And for your sake, I am glad I wasn’t there, because this will give you another opportunity to believe in me. Come, let’s go see him” (v.15).

Jesus states that Lazarus has fallen asleep but goes on to say that he is dead. I find that interesting and have applied it to my little one. We have prayed that this “Little Laz” would wake up. That the Son of God would receive glory from this is also something that resonates with me. Another opportunity to believe in Jesus also seems to apply.

On the way to the first ultrasound scan, my husband was asking God what was going on and God told him that the baby was dead and that he was here. I believe the understanding that my husband had was that God was going to get us through this, that he was present. However, when I heard him say that God said “I’m here” I saw it as “I’m here and I can do anything.” When I read about how Martha and Mary both responded to Jesus saying: “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died” (v.21, 32) that’s the connection I made between my situation and there’s.  The power of Jesus to heal and bring hope helped me relate to these two women and their situation.

Jesus told Martha that her brother will rise again and she thought that he meant at the end of the world, the resurrection of the dead. Jesus told her “I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish. Do you believe this, Martha?” (vv. 25-26)

The fact that Jesus is the resurrection gave me hope. He was saying this before he even died on the cross! He was the resurrection and he is the resurrection and he will be the resurrection for those who believe in him. So, I knew that I needed to apply this to our little one. What hope we have in Christ.

Even though I don’t think Martha was really getting what Jesus was saying, her response to him is one of faith and I love it: “Yes, Lord…I have always believed that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God” (v. 27). She didn’t realize that she was going to receive a miracle and still she believed that Jesus was the Son of God, the Messiah.

It makes me think…I can’t earn this miracle. There is nothing good enough in me. I don’t have enough righteousness in myself or all of the things that I have done in life. This life is really about God’s grace. Everything about it. There is nothing I can do to earn it or keep it. All I can do is trust in the goodness and faithfulness of God. Christ is my righteousness.

If he decides to give us this miracle, that our child would come back to life, it’s still all about his grace in keeping the child alive. Every breath we take is a gift and grace from God. This is something that I am continually learning.

Getting back to the story…

Jesus was deeply moved by Mary’s weeping and “he was moved with indignation and was deeply troubled” (v. 33). It seems God is moved by our pain. I wonder what he was thinking at the moment when he became moved with indignation and was deeply troubled. I’m glad that he allowed his emotions to show and he sympathized with those around him.

Jesus, at the tomb, tells them to roll the stone aside that was across Lazarus’ entrance. Martha (that practical one) says that the it’s going to be smelly because it’s been four days. “Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that you will see God’s glory if you believe? “(v. 40).

I liked this part because it seemed like such a long time for someone to be dead and apparently my baby has been dead for a little over 2 weeks now. Wow. I feel so vulnerable when I put all of this hope and trust out there into my God not knowing with certainty that what I hope will come to pass. I still hope and trust in his unfailing love.

“Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so they will believe you sent me.” The Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” And Lazarus came out, bound in grave-clothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!” (vv.41-44)

Jesus knew who he was. He knew his purpose. He knew the outcome of this situation before it even happened. It shows me his heart is to bring his kingdom of love and power, that he can do anything in spite of the beliefs about him. Although, it is shown that Mary and Martha believed in his power to heal, they hadn’t seen him resurrect the dead.

I can relate to this in some respects. I have had to stand up for my belief in God and his power to resurrect on many sides with family and with the medical community. I have taken many opportunities to say that I believe in a God who raises people from the dead. Thank God, he is merciful to me and they don’t really argue with me because they think I am in denial. Either way, I still believe in the resurrection of dead people back to life. I believe that God can do anything!

A couple of nights ago I was talking to God and just emphatically kept telling him that no matter what he decides that I will worship him. I felt like he brought to mind the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego when they were standing before King Nebuchadnezzar. They told him that they wouldn’t bow down to his golden self-image and that God would rescue them. They told him that even if God chose not to rescue them that they would still NOT bow down to his idol. I really got this.

Right now, I need to go and pray and worship God before my appointment for the ultrasound. I need to press into his love and peace and be surrounded by his unfailing love with more awareness. I feel very vulnerable but I know that he will cover me with his wings and be my shelter, my rock and my fortress during this time. He will continue to be faithful to me and my family and some day I’m going to see him face to face and all of this will just be a memory.

Waiting…

I’m hoping that today is the day we find out what God’s answer to our prayers for resurrection are. I thought Saturday would be the day but because we didn’t follow the “normal” way of doing things, the Doctor at the hospital told me to see the Obstetrician on Monday or Tuesday.

I’m going to call the O.B.’s office today and see if he’ll see me right away. What I really want is an ultrasound scan today. I tried to get one through my midwife but she said that I wasn’t in her care any longer.

Overall, I’m thankful for all of the love and support of friends and family but mostly I am thankful for this overwhelming peace and hope that I have in the midst of this situation. I know it has really surprised a lot of people, especially my family. I think some people have thought I was delusional but when they have talked to me they see the peace and sound mind that I have and they are relieved.

I’m not saying that this has been easy. My mind and emotions have swayed a few times but I know that God is saying to me that his righteous ones will walk in faith and not by sight. I know that I can only find his grace in this very moment. Not in the thoughts of the future results or in beating myself up in the past where my mind tends to wander.

I had been thinking about how God is the God of all comfort previous to this situation and have found that it is true. I’m so thankful for how he has drawn me into his presence and encouragement. I have found so much love and care in the fellowship of the Trinity. What an amazing God. He is so good.

So many scriptures from the Bible have really encouraged me but the one that I feel is the central theme in all of this is the story of Lazarus. The way that Jesus talks and acts really touches me and gives me great hope.  I’ve recently nicknamed our little one “Little Laz” in faith.  In the next post I want to share the specifics of this passage that have comforted me.

I’m thankful for all the prayers of my brothers and sisters in faith. They have really carried me and I’m certain that I couldn’t do this without them.

Lord, bless them and hear our cries for help, for the glory of your Name and Kingdom. Amen!

Resurrection: Heaven Arriving on Earth (ICEWS, eb 08)

 For: The Institute of Contemporary And Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen’s University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt.

            In reading about the kingdom of God this week, my belief has been confirmed that it is something that will eventually come but also something that is breaking through into our time right now.  In his book Simply Christian, N.T. Wright writes: “God’s future was breaking in to the present. Heaven was arriving on earth” (100). This is written in the context of Wright’s summary of Isaiah’s and other Biblical writers’ criterion of the coming kingdom of God and Jesus’ announcement of its arrival.

 

            This belief that the kingdom of God is able to break through into our present time is being especially challenged in the midst of a personal faith and life crisis.

 

            On Thursday afternoon, I went to my midwife appointment and she and another midwife couldn’t find a heartbeat for our child. I then was rushed to get an immediate ultrasound where the result was found that the baby had died within my womb about 2 weeks ago. Of course, my immediate reaction was shock and grief but something within me said that I needed to pray through this and ask for a miracle.

 

            I felt like God said to me “I want to give you a miracle. Just ask me for it.” My first course of action was to pray and ask God to resurrect this little one. I couldn’t just accept their pronouncement. Some may think I’m in denial as part of the grieving process or that I’m crazy but I don’t care. As I told the midwife: “I believe that God can do anything.” I have to live out what I believe and trust what God has revealed about himself to be truth.

 

            Don Williams has said that “Personality is self-revealing.” (Who Is the God We Worship) That leads me to believe that because God was raised from the dead through the Holy Spirit that he is a powerful and miracle working God. He reveals to us that even raising the dead is not impossible for him.

 

            Emphatically, I believe in a God who is the Resurrection and who was resurrected. That is the central point to my faith. There are many examples of resurrection in the Bible. So, for the last two days I have been joined by my friends in asking God to resurrect this little one. I called only people who believe that God resurrects people from the dead.

 

           It is unfortunate that I couldn’t just ask any Christian around to pray that God would resurrect my child from the dead. It makes me think that some adhere to Wright’s “Option 2” where heaven and earth are separate and where God only intervenes in his creation once in a while, that he is distant from it (61). But really, the centrality of our  Christian faith is placed in a God who was raised from the dead. If we believe that, we have to believe that he also has the power to raise anyone from the dead.  That’s one of the things that God’s kingdom is about and I choose to believe this fact in spite of  what happens in my situation.